All Technology Related Jokes Goes Here!!

I thought this thread was long overdue in TDF.
Please share all your technology and computers related jokes here.

Keep NSFW posts away.
Try to post Text only Jokes.

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

PS: The thread title ~ PascalCase cause I'm a developer

EDIT: Please do not quote post while replying to a post, or atleast use spoiler tags to keep post size manageable or just hit that Like button.

RPG - Really Pointless Game

Such funny, Forgot to laugh

- - - Updated - - -

I Prefer Hipness Over Network Excellence (iPhone)

- - - Updated - - -

Most Absurd Computer (MAC)

INSTALLING HUSBAND

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5.
And then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

What can I do?

Reply:

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Then it will automatically runs the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0.... Otherwise new virus Girlfried 2.5 automatically downloaded into your system. So be careful.
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

There's a new illness discovered at the University of Bheja. It's a condition called "WhatsApia".

The symptoms are:
1. Having an app called WhatsApp.

2. Constantly checking to see if you have messages.

3. Checking if someone has been online and why they haven't replied to you.

4. Anxiety that you must reply or the other person will feel bad.

5. Expecting comments if you change your profile pic and/or update your status.

6. Pretending to listen to someone, while busy chatting on whatsapp.

7. First thing when you wake up needing your dose of whatsapp.

The only treatment for it is to dump your smart phone!

S

subcribed!! :))

Shiva

M

Here's a real life joke, my line of work is IBM Mainframes and the programming language I code in is COBOL. It's true.

moniker said:
Here's a real life joke, my line of work is IBM Mainframes and the programming language I code in is COBOL. It's true.

I didn't get it

Female Version:
Upgrading From Girlfriend 5.0 To Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..

_________________ ________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear”
to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

seamon said:
Female Version:
Upgrading From Girlfriend 5.0 To Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..

_________________ ________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear”
to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

:ROFL:

Nice thread, BTW.

moniker said:
Here's a real life joke, my line of work is IBM Mainframes and the programming language I code in is COBOL. It's true.

Here is one for you

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

moniker said:
Here's a real life joke, my line of work is IBM Mainframes and the programming language I code in is COBOL. It's true.

this thread is for jokes like this which no one can understand ^^

modified 10 joke.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

Spoiler:
"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

Nice one!

RCuber said:
modified 10 joke.

I am the first one ...

seamon said:
Female Version:
Upgrading From Girlfriend 5.0 To Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..

_________________ ________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear”
to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Subscribed to the thread

seeing all the jokes in this thread

*i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7802356224/h7706A1E8/

G

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

:-o

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

Why programmers like UNIX:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

Source: StackOverflow

dat font

seamon said:
Female Version:
Upgrading From Girlfriend 5.0 To Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..

_________________ ________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear”
to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Wife 1.0 is not backward compatible (i mean to Girlfriend 5.0, don't take it in the wrong sense

)

Three logicians went to a bar.

Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 1: I don't know.
Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 2: I don't know.
Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 3: Yes!

K

RCuber said:
I thought this thread was long overdue in TDF.
Please share all your technology and computers related jokes here.

Keep NSFW posts away.
Try to post Text only Jokes.

PS: The thread title ~ PascalCase cause I'm a developer

EDIT: Please do not quote post while replying to a post, or atleast use spoiler tags to keep post size manageable or just hit that Like button.

linux: operating system used to recover stuff from another os
sorry couldnt resist

(i love both linux and windows)

A

Windows 8.1 start button eh ?

Start Button is back in Windows 8.1... - 9GAG

AbhMkh said:
Windows 8.1 start button eh ?

Start Button is back in Windows 8.1... - 9GAG

Exactly I said this before, Microsoft trolled whiners

There is no place like localhost

Not really a joke,

"Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand."
- Martin Fowler

A group of computer science majors were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture one of the men leaned over and grabbed a women's handphone.

Woman: "Hey! Thats private OK!?"

The man hesitated for a second looking confused.

Man: "But I thought we were in the same class?"

PS: This joke has been modified a bit

harshilsharma63 said:
Three logicians went to a bar.

Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 1: I don't know.
Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 2: I don't know.
Bartender: Do you want a beer each?
Logician 3: Yes!

xkcd

If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Two strings walk into a bar.
One says to the bartender: “I’ll have a beer*7jd@jh".

The other says: “Excuse my friend, he’s not null terminated.”

Q: How did the programmer die in the shower?
A: He read the shampoo bottle instructions:
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

A programmer heads out to the store. His wife says "while you're out, get some milk."

He never came home.

J

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver wouuld cause your car to stop an fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Knock knock
Whose there?
C++

Knock knock
whose there?
(after a long pause) Java

Knock knock assembly

i used to think myself as a geek unless i read this thread, heck i don't get even 20% of these jokes at the first time..

*i.imgur.com/1hUVaXP.png

flyingcow said:
seeing all the jokes in this thread

*i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7802356224/h7706A1E8/

Icouldn't understand any of the jokes in whole thread except few. What the hell.