Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]

Since people often post jokes here, in seperate threads, I decided to start a thread exclusively for jokes. You may start posting all your jokes right here. It needn't even be textual. It can also be an image or a video.

Happy Joking

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

linux is the best thing out there *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/24.gif *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/21.gif *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/24.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ Usne jokes bola.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

An Old Man: I have used windows in my house since years, but they still don't open

Pathik's Siggy said:
<TB>I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Life Line.
<TB>I reached a call center in Pakistan & told them I was suicidal.
<TB>They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Awssome one dude *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/24.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The First young man pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
'That was my pager,' he said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young man lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished, he explained,
'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older man felt very low-tech, not to be out done,
he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
he returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The older man finally said............
Well, will you look at that........I'm getting a fax !!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Q: whats common between DOS and UNIX ?

A: the former has been ditched for a b1tch, and the later has been b1tched in a ditch :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

SANTA enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
dukandaar: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai ji!

SANTA : Oye ispe likha hai CHO-LES-TE-ROL FREE

NO OFFENCE MEANT

Third Eye said:
Well, will you look at that........I'm getting a fax !!

EXCELLENT ONE

H

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Don't listen to the nay-saying Windows arses darling.., Yer , I Love me LINUX

*blogs.techrepublic.com.com/geekend/images/115.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^lmao.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

gr8 one hitboxx

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*healthandenergy.com/images/global2.gif
*edutainment.bravehost.com/myPictures/CARTOON-global-wm-Bush.bmp

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

r all morons here??!!

*gigasmilies.googlepages.com/35.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

j1n M@tt said:
r all morons here??!!

*gigasmilies.googlepages.com/35.gif

yes with this the list is complete

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ no no there r more dumbos in this forum *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/10.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ there are more Psychos than dumbos in this forum, You can explain a dumbo but not a Psycho.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^^^
Rightly said only Psychos know what Psychos r!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ oho ic *gigasmilies.googlepages.com/7.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Chaka-chaka-pata-pon
Pon-pon-paka-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Chaka-chaka-pata-pon
Don-dondon-dondon

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

T159 said:
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Chaka-chaka-pata-pon
Pon-pon-paka-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pata-pata-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Pon-pon-pata-pon
Chaka-chaka-pata-pon
Don-dondon-dondon

i thougt u wrote Pata-pata-pata-p1rn

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

@ʁɜ everyone going mad ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

PaulScholes18 said:
i thougt u wrote Pata-pata-pata-p1rn

Hey loosemind here is the answer

Patapon
*www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp173Si-XZM

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

WTF this is?
LOL ROFLMAO

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

PaulScholes18 said:
WTF this is?
LOL ROFLMAO

innovative rhythmic gameplay

pata pata pon pon
pon pata pon pata
chaka chaka pon

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

God and bill gates

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

Sunday School
There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep.
One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, Who made the world?
The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD!
Thats correct!,The teacher said.

The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, Who died on the cross? The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS!
Thats correct!! The teacher said again.

The girl fell asleep again. After a while........
The teacher asked,What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted,
IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

T159 said:
God and bill gates

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

Sunday School
There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep.
One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, Who made the world?
The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD!
Thats correct!,The teacher said.

The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, Who died on the cross? The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS!
Thats correct!! The teacher said again.

The girl fell asleep again. After a while........
The teacher asked,What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted,
IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!

the last one was awssoime

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

T159 said:
Sunday School
There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep.
One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, Who made the world?
The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD!
Thats correct!,The teacher said.

The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, Who died on the cross? The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS!
Thats correct!! The teacher said again.

The girl fell asleep again. After a while........
The teacher asked,What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted,
IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!

Awsome

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Evolution Of Man And Television--

*img233.imageshack.us/img233/5574/9309a6d6b26b7c9d1d454ceom4.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^rofl

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Are you bored this week-end? Why don’t you try some fun with your girlfriend. Like give her a 5.25″ floppy disk, your notebook and tell her that on the disk are some unseen before photos with her … Let’s see how she will handle this issue… Priceless

*i173.photobucket.com/albums/w55/amitava82/blondasidischeta.jpg

Be aware to watch her closely. You don’t want to ruin your notebook…

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

nish_higher said:
Evolution Of Man And Television--

*img233.imageshack.us/img233/5574/9309a6d6b26b7c9d1d454ceom4.jpg

FOCL

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*www.mediafire.com/imgbnc.php/962e860dbe6b5293dfcd97a0770823d84g.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

amitava82 said:
Are you bored this week-end? Why don’t you try some fun with your girlfriend. Like give her a 5.25″ floppy disk, your notebook and tell her that on the disk are some unseen before photos with her … Let’s see how she will handle this issue… Priceless

*i173.photobucket.com/albums/w55/amitava82/blondasidischeta.jpg

Be aware to watch her closely. You don’t want to ruin your notebook…

lol

dumbfounded

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Check this video (900kb)
This is whats gonna happen to hardcore PC users :))

*www.mediafire.com/?fsxlojp30zz

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^gr8 hahaahaha roflmao

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

nish_higher said:
Check this video (900kb)
This is whats gonna happen to hardcore PC users
*www.mediafire.com/?fsxlojp30zz

OMG so romantic :-D

L

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

This is one of the best I have enjoyed... really...
*jokes.comedycentral.com/random_joke.aspx?joke_id=222

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A doctor goes to a marriage. He has no space to sit. A lawyer calls him and asks him to sit beside him. Now a person comes to the doc and says "I have stomach ache.". The doc gives him a medicine. Next comes a person with headache. And similarly some others.

Then the doc says to the lawyer that all these people took medicine from me for free. The lawyer gives an idea by saying that send them invoices (or bills). He sends them and gets the money next day. The day after the doc recieves money from his clients, receives an invoice from the lawyer with an letter. The letter says "I gave you solution to get your fees. Now for the idea, pay me my fees!!!!"

How's it ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
------------------------------
An anthropologist studying cannibals goes into a
store for heart (to eat). On the shelf she sees a jar
of physicists' brains for $1, a jar of janitors' heart
for $1, a jar of musicians' heart for $1, a jar of
doctors' heart for $1 and a jar of economists' heart
for $25. She goes to the manager and asks "why are the
economists' heart so expensive?"

The reply comes, "Do you know how many economists you have to kill to get a jar of heart?"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
------------------------------
An anthropologist studying cannibals goes into a
store for heart (to eat). On the shelf she sees a jar
of physicists' brains for $1, a jar of janitors' heart
for $1, a jar of musicians' heart for $1, a jar of
doctors' heart for $1 and a jar of economists' heart
for $25. She goes to the manager and asks "why are the
economists' heart so expensive?"

The reply comes, "Do you know how many economists you have to kill to get a jar of heart?"

LOL!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Error Message in intel's nehlam processors while compiling older programs:

Code:

Segmentation Fault: Core Dumped

PS: hope you know enough to understand my joke

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

What movies teach you about computers
16 interesting things you can learn about computers from the movies
1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.
3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.
6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms.
7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons
aren't labeled.
8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.
9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face.
11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any
computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's
computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.
13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of
code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by
a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Knowing an
operating system means you know how to run any application on that
system, even custom apps.
14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the
computer. Presumably the virus has it's own built-in power supply.
15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your
system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the
mandatory "back door" all evil virus programmers put in.
16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
What movies teach you about computers
16 interesting things you can learn about computers from the movies
1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.
3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.
6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms.
7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons
aren't labeled.
8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.
9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face.
11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any
computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's
computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.
13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of
code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by
a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Knowing an
operating system means you know how to run any application on that
system, even custom apps.
14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the
computer. Presumably the virus has it's own built-in power supply.
15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your
system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the
mandatory "back door" all evil virus programmers put in.
16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

L

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

@RaghuKL,

interesting and different one!! good

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*img207.imageshack.us/img207/1548/bvnbe7.png

*www.mediafire.com/imgbnc.php/2015c27ec4bf559a0d399b251d0b50604g.jpg
*img50.imageshack.us/img50/1890/qwck3.png
*img50.imageshack.us/img50/7020/73566475pg2.png

*img266.imageshack.us/img266/2969/attail0.jpg

*img409.imageshack.us/img409/8922/94633166ck1.png

*img172.imageshack.us/img172/7466/35559258296122c0741okb7.jpg

L

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

ha ha ha... is the last one you? :lol:

good ones!

Here is another really good one!

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a btich to death with the chair!"

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^

thats not me

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the
Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.

9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.

8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.

7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a
Klingon and torture you for information.

6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.

5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.

4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek?
Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"

3) You have no life.

2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates
you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

You'll love this one...

Code:

Santa k pass ek kawva (crow) tha...
Wo bahut mulayam tha...
To usne apne kawve ka naam kya rakha hoga?
?
?
?

Answer ->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->Mi-cro-soft

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

"WHERE AM I?"

in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window. Their sign said:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

@ yogeshm.007
haha lol

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Nice one Ray and Yogesh!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It's a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Microsoft's Christmas--

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care, In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To the jolly ol fat man at santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.

From where Bill has his mansion, the old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - WOW!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

*img341.imageshack.us/img341/9207/femalegamersjy5.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

guys guys guys cut the crap out.here are some of my jokes which are hilariously disgusting and bit retarded ones.enjoy and have a nice day
this jokes is about the person named ABU ABED

"Abu Abed Having Prostate" Abu Abed was suffering some pain and went to see his doctor who checked him and told him that he had prostate....
Abu Abed went upset and told his good friend Abu Steif about his medical problem...
Abu Steif : Is the doctor sure that you have prostate ? Tell me how did he check you because as I know when the doctor check for the prostate he lies down on the bed, put one hand on your shoulder and the other down to check if you have a prostate...
Abu Abed upset started shouting and screaming
Abu Steif : "What is wrong with you...why did you suddenly started shouting and screaming ?
Abu Abed : " The Bastard ..had his two hand on my shoulder ...!"

"Abu Abed and His Son Record Under Water" Abu Abed, Abu Steif and Abu Khoder were sitting in the coffee shop chatting about their sons...
Abu Steif : Do you know that my son went once under the water in the sea for 5 minutes ...
Abu Khoder : Eh, My son stayed 30 minutes...!
Abu Abed: What is this 5 minutes and 30 minutes you are talking about, my son went under the water in the sea since over a year and he didn't come out till now ...!

"Abu Abed and "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " After a long journey abroad, Abu Abed returned home to find his wife Em Abed pregnant.
Abu Abed : Can you explain to me how you can be pregnant if I was away for a year...?
Em Abed : You want the truth, during your absence I use to watch Georges Kerdahi TV show "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " and one night I had no choice and I had to call a friend and ask for his help....
Abu Abed : You called a friend and asked him for a help... Well I am really grateful to you and must thank you... Thanks God you did not ask for the audience help....!

"Abu Abed in Jail" Abu Abed and Abu Steif met once in the jail...
Why are you here asked Abu Steif ?
Abu Abed : I broke the window at work..
Abu Steif: They put in jail for breaking the window at work ... and for how long they sentenced you ?
Abu Abed : Life in Prison..!
Abu Steif : Life in Prison for breaking the window at work ... That is strange where were you working?
Abu Abed : In a submarine....!

"Abu Abed With The President G.W.BUSH in a Helicopter" Abu Abed was once with the president on a trip in a helicopter ...
The president asked him : If I threw 10 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : A poor citizen will find it and he will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw 100 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : Few poor citizen will find it and they will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw myself what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : one citizen will find you and all the citizen of the country will be happy about it...

"Abu Abed on the Wedding Night Abu Abed just got married. He spent all the wedding night kissing his bride on again.
His bride got fed up and asked him : Don't you want anything from down ?
Abu Abed : Oh yes, please ! can you get me a pack of cigarette and one can of coke from the grocery downstairs !!

"Abu Abed and Em Abed at The Cinema"
Abu Abed took his wife Em Abed to see a movie at in Cinema. Few minutes after they have switched the light off, Abu Abed asked Em Abed : Anyone behind us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone in front of us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone on our side?
Em Abed : No.. Nobody, we are alone in the cinema
Abu Abed :If this is the case, It means that it is you who farted ...!

"Abu Abed and the Short Skirt Girl" Abu Abed was sitting outside the coffee shop when a young girl wearing a short skirt passed by... Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Respect...
The girl heard him and lifted her skirt a little bit up..
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Manners
The girl lifted her skirt all the way up.
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Objections.. !

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, not matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probable damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
> >months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
> >pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> >Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
> >this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
> >call.
> >Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
> >distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> >suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
> >He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl
> >and tells
> >them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
> >can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
> >charge.
> >I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
> >life.
> >Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
> >townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
> >If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> >$4,000,000 bank account.
> >If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
> >However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
> >
> >At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
> >firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
> >
> >
> > "You shag her again."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
He left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the sexy new chick.

She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and had passionate intercourse.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
Time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not with me."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.

To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, and apparently he had the time of his life."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

krazyfrog. said:
A man escapes from a prison......... Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Kool one... suits ur avtaar too :twisted:

Maan... I'm becoming crass... but then.... who gives a damn.... check this one I got by email....

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' ?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fűçk the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher:
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ Rofl

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Some sardar jokes i got via mail.... sorry paajis... just cant ignore u guyz

*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....

A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!!

Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Q) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.

Q) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A) Because he wanted to measure how long he has slept.

Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's eyes, then the tongue, and finally the ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif

T

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

koolbluez said:
nice one... rayraven ... true with all tech supports units

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....

Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's eyes, then the tongue, and finally the ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

ROFL

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

More paaji jokes........

*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif
BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Santa Singh: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Santa Singh: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Santa Singh: Because that proves that I have a brain!

SANTA SINGH IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Santa Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Santa Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

IN A DRUG STORE:
Santa Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Santa Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

CHATTING:
Banta Singh: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Santa Singh: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Banta Singh: What tape did you take anyway?
Santa Singh: Head Cleaner.

DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Santa Singh: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Banta Singh: condolence, my Banta Singh.
(After 2 minutes) Santa Singh cries even louder
Banta Singh: what now?
Santa Singh: my sister just called, her mom died too!

ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an ELEVATOR for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Santa Singh: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the ESCALATOR for 3 hrs.

Spelling lesson:
Santa Singh's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Santa Singh: Make it three c to be sure!
*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif*img139.imageshack.us/img139/9761/62681694pj7.gif

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Nice one koolbleuz

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol suck it

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Nice ones from all u guys. Here is one from me:

Taliking Clock [Illustration]
Once a drunk showed a big brass bell to his friend and told that it is a talking clock. His friend was very much amused and asked him to make that thing talk for him once. The durnk agreed and hit the bell loudly. After a few seconds, an angry voice came from the neighbour's place 'Its 3:45 in the morning you idiot'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

PcEnthu said:
Nice ones from all u guys. Here is one from me:

Taliking Clock [Illustration]
Once a drunk showed a big brass bell to his friend and told that it is a talking clock. His friend was very much amused and asked him to make that thing talk for him once. The durnk agreed and hit the bell loudly. After a few seconds, an angry voice came from the neighbour's place 'Its 3:45 in the morning you idiot'

lol

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US".

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.
21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.
20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.
19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).
13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.
12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.
6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".
4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
Few more important
3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Ultimate one:
1.. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^roflz.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A guy frantically calls up a hospital where his wife was in heavy labour,but ends up calling a cricket ground instead."How's everything going.?", he inquires."Great.! We have got nine out and expect to get last one out anytime now.The last one was a duck.!"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

shady_inc said:
A guy frantically calls up a hospital where his wife was in heavy labour,but ends up calling a cricket ground instead."How's everything going.?", he inquires."Great.! We have got nine out and expect to get last one out anytime now.The last one was a duck.!"

lolz
that was a good one

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ WORKyou spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle/office

@ PRISON
you get three free meals a day @ WORKyou get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON
you get time off for good behavior @ WORKyou get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON
the guard locks and unlocks all doors for you @ WORKyou must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON
you can watch TV and play games @ WORKyou could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON
you get your own toilet @ WORKyou have to share the toilet with
some people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit @ WORKyou aren't even supposed to speakto your family

@ PRISON
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required @ WORKyou get to pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out @ WORKyou spend most of your time wantingto get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON
you must deal with sadistic wardens @ WORKthey are called bosses

*
@ PRISON
they call it 'dropping the soap.' @ WORKthey call it a 'performance review.'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls

his grandson to his bedside.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember

me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about

you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da

business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,

a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda

your wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch

and say, Times Up?"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^^lol!!!

_

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

-------------------------------------------------------------------
fearxp: so whats planned for new year's eve this year?
fearxp: mom andn sis going to dsoi
fearxp: i fought long and hard to be left behind
ubuntu_dude: k , my parents will go too
fearxp: cool
fearxp: 99% i won't go anywhere
fearxp: we could prolly get together , watch some good movie order some pizza..
ubuntu_dude: I wish one of us was a hot chick
ubuntu_dude: it would be s0 awesome
fearxp:

, dude !
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wen NASA 1st planned 2 space they found pens wuld not work in 0 gravity.So they spent a year n $12 bn to develop a pen that writes in 0 gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface nd at any temp.

The Russians used a pencil.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
dreamFALL: I clciked on 'We Recommend' me button
dreamFALL: on systemrequirementslab.com for this game..
dreamFALL: and it took me to cnet
dreamFALL: showed me Alienwares

dreamFALL: I clciked a '+' sign under it
dreamFALL: two options came
dreamFALL: I Want it | I've Got it
dreamFALL: I clciked I've got it ..
dreamFALL: 'Internal Server Error'

Moral of the story : Servers are smart ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Subject: Bruce Lee!!!!!
You may have come across many but here are some more of those Bruce Lee jokes
.....enjoy
1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
Ans: Mu Lee
2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
Ans: Tha Lee
3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over ?
Ans: Kha Lee
4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
Ans: Saa Lee
5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
Ans: Id Lee
6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival
Ans: Diwa Lee
7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
Ans: Sona lee
8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
Ans: Qawa lee
9) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
Ans: Coo Lee
10) When did Bruce Lee die?
Ans: Final Lee
11) How did Bruce Lee die?
Ans: with a Go Lee
12) What is Bruce Lee's favorite hill station
Ans: Kulu Mana Lee
13)What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
Ans: Mawa Lee
14)What is Bruce Lee's favorite Hindi movie?
Ans:Gharwa LEE Baharwa LEE
15)Who is Bruce Lee's favourite cricketer?
Ans:Saurav Gangu Lee
16)Where is Bruce Lee living?
Ans: Pat Lee Ga Lee

Sardar Again

*******************************************************
SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. "Is
this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven." "Are
you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night." "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
*******************************************************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the
seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another.It wouldn't light.
The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket."What for did you put that match in your
vest pocket?" "That's a good match. I'll use it again."
*******************************************************
A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway.
Sardar : why are the guys running?
bystander: A Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
*******************************************************
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was
ironing a shirt and the
phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the
iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
******************************************************* The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you
take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
*******************************************************
The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his ice-cubes
before he put them in his drink.
*******************************************************
A Sardarji was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman.
He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered back,
"I love you too!" There was a little pause, the Sardarji was
thinking(??!!), then he whispered, "I love you three."
*******************************************************
Q How can you recognize an surd in a submarine?
A He is the one with the parachute on his back.
************************************************************************
One sardar came to madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar.his tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price. Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900.Vendor told ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.it was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the sardar the stereo free of cost. "Our sardar asked whether he will give two."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^Good one

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

shift said:
1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
Ans: Mu Lee
2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
Ans: Tha Lee
3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over ?
Ans: Kha Lee
4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
Ans: Saa Lee
5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
Ans: Id Lee
6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival
Ans: Diwa Lee
7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
Ans: Sona lee
8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
Ans: Qawa lee
9) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
Ans: Coo Lee
10) When did Bruce Lee die?
Ans: Final Lee
11) How did Bruce Lee die?
Ans: with a Go Lee
12) What is Bruce Lee's favorite hill station
Ans: Kulu Mana Lee
13)What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
Ans: Mawa Lee
14)What is Bruce Lee's favorite Hindi movie?
Ans:Gharwa LEE Baharwa LEE
15)Who is Bruce Lee's favourite cricketer?
Ans:Saurav Gangu Lee
16)Where is Bruce Lee living?
Ans: Pat Lee Ga Lee

17)Favourite Pet?
Ans:Bil Lee

18)Favourite P***time?
Ans:Khuj Lee

19)Bruce Lee's favourite brain?
Ans: Yours, because its Kha-Lee

Sab Maaro
-> Taa Lee

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to
try to summarize exactly what happened in a few words or less on insur-
ance or accident forms. The following are actual quotes taken from these
forms and eventually published in the Toronto Sunday, July 26, 1977.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warnings of its
intentions.

I thought my window was down but found out it was up when I put my hand
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not
see the other car.

I had been driving in my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle.
The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with
injuries.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found
that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out
of its path when it struck my front end.

:lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Why Men make better friends than woman

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her Husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over

, and two claimed that he was still there

.

Its so true that we all have experienced this in one way or other

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Language Problem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One woman did not know how to speak English in England as she was married to an Englishman. So when she wanted to buy chicken legs she lifted her whole dress and showed her thighs then she gets the chicken legs.

The next time she wants chicken breast so she undoes her blouse and shows her boobs and she gets the chicken breast.

The next time she wanted sausages so she takes her husband to the store...... and

Find the Answer below

Hello what bad thoughts you have!

The fellow was an Englishman he knew English.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

rayraven said:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

"WHERE AM I?"

in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window. Their sign said:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive
days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake....

MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale.

Phone 98407***** after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It
should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407*****

and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified
ad yesterday.

The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap.

Phone 98407 **** after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 98407 ***** as I have had the phone disconnected. I have

not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper
but she quit!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

amitabhishek said:
These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive
days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake....

MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale.

Phone 98407***** after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It
should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407*****

and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified
ad yesterday.

The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap.

Phone 98407 **** after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 98407 ***** as I have had the phone disconnected. I have

not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper
but she quit!

lol, funniest thing i ve heard in a while..........

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Another Singh Jokes

Q: What do you call a Sikh who drinks only beer
A: JUS-BEER SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh guy who has only one drink ?
A: JUST-ONE SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh scuba diver?
A: JULL-UNDER SINGH.

Q: What do you call a better adapted Sikh diver?
A: JULL-UNDER SINGH GILL.

Q: What do you call a bald Sikh guy ?
A: BALD-EV SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh boyfriend?
A: HER- PAL SINGH.

Q: Who is he who has many publications to his credit?
A: JOURNAL SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh guy running toward the enemy camp with a white flag in his hand?
A: SURRENDER SINGH.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Sing's Job Interview!!!

BANTA Singh went for a job interview to be a secretary.
When the manager saw his colourful attire and gold and white-
highlighted hair, his mind is screaming"

NOT Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Singh.So he
told Singh, If you could form a sentence using the words that I give
you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK,
YELLOW, BLUE WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".

Singh thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN,
GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW ...BLUE's that ?
WHITE did you say? Aiyah,wrong number, lah.... Don't PURPLELY disturb
people and don't call BLACK, ok ? Thank You."

The Manager fainted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Get Out Of School

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies
the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is
all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is
calling?" "Sure. This is my father!"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*www.thinkdigit.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80780

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

CadCrazy said:
*www.thinkdigit.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80780

the world's best joke ever...

Anyway, I have an announcement to make:

I am launching a new Joke Website in a week's time. Its a text only site, with a lone image in the first page, and its rather plain. But that does not stop it from becoming funny, and for that I need your help.

can I get some suggestions as to what jokes to place where ?

here are the sections: (I am allowed only 6 pages, and total 200kb images)

1. Home Page
2. Light Jokes - light casual jokes you can tell in front of anybody
3. Bad Jokes - you know, jokes which may contain something vulgar
4. Poor Jokes - jokes so dumb that you will laugh AT the joke, not BECAUSE of the joke
5. Sardarji Jokes - From Kushwant Singh's santa banta hall of fame
6. Political Jokes - laloo, sonia, manmohan, bush, hillary, obama, blair, you name them they are here.

Currently all ecept the modest home page are empty. Can you please help add jokes there according to these sections ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*docs.google.com/View?docid=ddfncbpt_4c9wwn52j

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Palk trashing... sorry guyz.... i dont believe in patriotism to my "country"...... but... a joke is a joke.. take light......

> > The prime Minister of China called President Bush to
> > console him after
> > the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about
> > the attack. It is
> > a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any
> > documents from the
> > Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
> > =====================================================================
> > Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
> > Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
> > condolences to
> > you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great
> > bldgs... I would
> > like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
> > that........
> > Bush: What buildings? What people??
> > Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
> > Bush: It's eight in the morning.
> > Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
> >
=======================================================================
> > Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
> > and asks the
> > barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
> > The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks
> > over and says,
> > "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
> > Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
> > The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
> > And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
> > million Pakistanis
> > and one bicycle repairman."
> > And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
> > Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you
> > no-one would worry
> > about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
> >
=======================================================================
> > Pakistani on the moon:
> > Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
> > A: Problem...
> > Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
> > A: Problem...
> > Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
> > A: Problem...
> > Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
> > A: ...... Problem Solved!!!!

Contribution for Boss

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"About 1 litre."

Engineer

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took
out a monkey.

He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll
be £5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast,
clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects,
mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really
useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but
it says it's an Engineer."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Bhola gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country.
He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets
excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a
Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running
from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING!!
BOEING!!! BO....'.

The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed
by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE
SILENT!'

There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody
looks at Bhola. He stares at the pilot in silence for
a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING !
OEING!! OEING!!!OE...'

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
One afternoon,a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."Oh, come along with
me then," instructed the lawyer "But, sir, I have a wife and two children
too!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said,
"You too come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second
man answered."Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed
for his limo.They all climbed into the car, no easy task even for a limo.

Once underway, one of poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that
it is wrong to sleep with married women.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to
Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach
was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's
coach was jerking heavily.This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the
event,next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway
department was "There should not be last coach in any train.""

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Four Sardarji's were waiting a on Railway Platform for the
"Punjab Mail". As they were waiting an announcement is made about the
train running late by two hours. The train scheduled to start at 10
am will now start at 12 noon. Since there is lots of time to kill the
four sardarjis decide to go out into the city to spend the time.When
they get back to the station they see "Punjab Mail" just leaving the
platform.So sardarjis start running desperately to board the
train..One of them manages to catch the 6th boggie. Another got
almost the last boggie and the other two got left behind. When
the two Sardarji 's who managed to get into the train met each other
in one of the bogies they started laughing uncontrollably. They go
on laughing.laughing ....and laughing.Now the other passengers
get bit curious and one of them asked the Sardarji's .... "Arre,
what's so funny ? Why are you both laughing so madly? One of the
Sardarji's managed to reply"Actually the two who were supposed to
take this train got left behind......we ..... just came to see them off !!!!!!!!!!"
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dilbert's Theorem On Salary

Dilbert's theorem on salary state's that Engineers, Teachers, Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates :

postulate 1 :
Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)

postulate 2 :
Time is Money (Time = Money)

postulate 3 :
(as every Physics student knows),
Power = Work / Time

It therefore follows that,
Knowledge = Work / Time

and since
Time = Money

Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get,
Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus,
as Knowledge approaches zero,
Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done

CONCLUSION :
The Less you Know, the More Money you make!! ;-)

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Performance Pressure!

Poultry farm ke malik ne Murgiyon ko Order diya "Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band"

Murgiya dar gayi ....sab ne do do ande diye magar ek ne sirf ek anda diya"

Malik: "tum ne ek anda hi kyon diya".

.
.
.
.
.

Jawab mila

"Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

iatb.gourav said:
"Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

shift said:
Actually the two who were supposed to
take this train got left behind......we ..... just came to see them off !!!!!!!!!!

That was new.... Sardars rok

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

check this out
---> *www.hiren.info/funstuff/animations/cat-laughing

very very funny

turn your speaker on first............

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

New Exam pattern in India (Revised):-

1. General students - Answer ALL questions.

2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.

3. SC - ONLY READ questions.

4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING..

AND.

5. Gujjars - THANKS FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO ATTEND THE EXAMINATION .. !!

CHEERS TO RESERVATION

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^I was late by a minute to post that

How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program

by Dave Barry from his new book Dave Barry In Cyberspace

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope

that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

+-------++------------+
| YES || SURE |
+-------++------------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
or a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12

--Tamara Schomber, M.Ed., PSC
Watertown Elementary, Tennessee

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

This one is in hindi but still a nice one

do you know the meaning of "PYAR"

its a group of frioends sitting around a table in BAR
& saying

.

.

.

.

.

."P-YAR"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A Teacher in Bihar was found to use these dialogues:

1. inside class
-close the doors of the windows please....i have winter in my nose today
-Cut an apple into two halves ---take the bigger half
-shhhhh..quiet boys....the principal just passed away in the corridor.
-Both of you three ,get out of my class
-Take a copper wire of any metal ...especially of silver.
-Take a 5cm. wire of any length

2.at the ground
-All of you stand in a straight circle
-there is no wind in the balloon

3.to a boy angrily
-I talk ,he talk,why you middle middle talk?????

4.giving punishment
-you three of you , stand together separately
-you,.... go and understand the tree
-Why are you late??????------say YES or NO.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Nice joking. I died laughing see if this code works.

Code:

<div><embed src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fsmileys.smileycentral.com%252Fcat%252FF%252Ftransport.swf%253Fcode%253DF%252F1%252F437%2526partner%253DZSzeb110%255FZKYYYYYYYYIN/transport.swf" loop="false" quality="best" bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100" height="120" name="transport" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="*www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" wmode="transparent" flashvars="code=F/1/437&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN" /><br><a href="*www.smileycentral.com/?feat=prof&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN"><img src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fak.imgfarm.com%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial2.gif/social2.gif" border="0" style="" /></a></div>

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

roflz^^where did u get that code anyways?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

hjpotter92 said:

Nice joking. I died laughing see if this code works.

Code:

<div><embed src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fsmileys.smileycentral.com%252Fcat%252FF%252Ftransport.swf%253Fcode%253DF%252F1%252F437%2526partner%253DZSzeb110%255FZKYYYYYYYYIN/transport.swf" loop="false" quality="best" bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100" height="120" name="transport" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="*www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" wmode="transparent" flashvars="code=F/1/437&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN" /><br><a href="*www.smileycentral.com/?feat=prof&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN"><img src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fak.imgfarm.com%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial2.gif/social2.gif" border="0" style="" /></a></div>

i didnt get this

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

iatb.gourav said:
A Teacher in Bihar was found to use these dialogues:

1. inside class
-close the doors of the windows please....i have winter in my nose today
-Cut an apple into two halves ---take the bigger half
-shhhhh..quiet boys....the principal just passed away in the corridor.
-Both of you three ,get out of my class
-Take a copper wire of any metal ...especially of silver.
-Take a 5cm. wire of any length

2.at the ground
-All of you stand in a straight circle
-there is no wind in the balloon

3.to a boy angrily
-I talk ,he talk,why you middle middle talk?????

4.giving punishment
-you three of you , stand together separately
-you,.... go and understand the tree
-Why are you late??????------say YES or NO.

Read that one before, but STILL funny :))

. Thanks.
=====
Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

hmphfpolo said:
i didnt get this

Copy the code and paste it in Notepad. Save it as something.html and Open it in your browser.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

iatb.gourav said:
A Teacher in Bihar was found to use these dialogues:

1. inside class
-close the doors of the windows please....i have winter in my nose today

That reminds me of our chemistry lab instructor in school.He once said to a guy,"Open the window,let the climate come in."

K

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?” “ No way in hell” said the bartender.
“Well, said Rob, “neither would my fiancée.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

alter_ego said:
New Exam pattern in India (Revised):-

1. General students - Answer ALL questions.

2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.

3. SC - ONLY READ questions.

4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING..

AND.

5. Gujjars - THANKS FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO ATTEND THE EXAMINATION .. !!

CHEERS TO RESERVATION

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

lol what a fool he might be

roflz

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

paranj said:
lol what a fool he might be roflz

these jokes are not for kiddies like you

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

a joke - i am not a kiddo!

newtons law of love

universal law:

love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

first law:

a boy in love with a girl, continues to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continues to be in love with him, until on unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
breaks the legs of the boy.

second law:

the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance.

third law:

the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a
computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to
your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.

We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****.

I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down '
button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',
but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' from
CAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to protect from the cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning
'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to
collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when u will provide that?

10. Hey, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad there is only one
icon with 'MY Computer', where is remaining ?

11. And in 'MY Pictures' there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.

Thanks
Banta Singh…

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Java Interview Attended by our Dear BANTA SINGH

......................................................................

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and interface ?
A. terms are different ...nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta and Coffee.

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tires and auto rickshaws ill have 3 tiers.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? which methodology should I follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish, I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture.
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the user of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. What is JAR File ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Alladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. What is a bean ? where it can be used ?
A. A kind of cooking vegetable, In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write don how will you create binary tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

hmphfpolo said:
i didnt get this

Make an html file and copy that link in the body...Then open the page...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Sardar Again
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar : I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend : why?
Sardar : Got upper berth.
Friend : why didn't you exchange?
Sardar : Oye, there was nobody to exchange in the lower berth..
------------------------------------------------------------
A Teacher lecturing on population:
In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and says: we must find and stop her !!
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure asto what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes !
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave him 11 cr
after deducting tax.Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.!
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar proposed a Girl. Girl said 'I'm 1 year elder to you'
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
------------------------------------------------------------
One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"
Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh"
Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.
Sardar answered " No No Me ! Banta Singh"
Third one came and asked the same
question, Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to
shift his place.
While walking he saw another Sardar
enjoying the Beach.
He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?".
The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing.
The Sardar slapped him on
his face and said "Idiot, they are all searching for you and you are sitting here"
------------------------------------------------------------
once a sardar ji went for an interview for the post of electrical engg.
desk: so you are coming for this post.
sardar ji: yes sir.
desk: so tell me how does an electrical motor runs?
sardarji: o ji its very simple.
TORRRRRRRRRRR..........
------------------------------------------------------------
In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
SARDAR: dhuurrrrrrrrrr..
Interviewr shouts: stop it !
SARDAR: dhurr dhup dup dup dup.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar: Can I know my mobile bill, please?
Call centre girl: Sir,just dial *123# to know your current bill status.
Sardar: (He got angry and..)You stupid...
Call centre girl:Sir,I'm sorry, anything wrong?
Sardar: I'm not asking my current bill.I'm asking my mobile bill.. Don't be a fool. Be wise like me.
Call centre girl: ???!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
sardar returns from London. He calls his wife and asks her, "Do I look like a foreigner?"
She says no.
The answer angers him. "Look carefully, do I look like a foreigner?"
She again replies in the negative. By now the sardar is fuming.
He yells: "Come close and see, do I look like a foreigner?"
The wife says: "No."
The sardar who is seething with rage says: "All those women in London were fools. Every time I went out they would say: `Look a foreigner`."
------------------------------------------------------------
Once a sardar had to learn two essays for the exam. One is about friend and the other is about father. He had studied only about friend. But in the exam the essay asked was about father. Sardar dint give up. He replaced father with friend in the essay and it read:
"I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, My best father is my neighbor."
He ended the essay as, "A father in need is a father in deed....!"
------------------------------------------------------------
NAPOLEAN: "In my Dictionary there is no word called 'IMPOSSIBLE'....
Sardarji: "What's the use of saying it now, you should have checked it before buying THE DICTIONARY !!
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two Sardarjis went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their packets and started to eat them. 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
------------------------------------------------------------
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you *******".
------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
------------------------------------------------------------
Flash news:
A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab .
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar joins the suicide bomber squad. So when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp his leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He land up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Sardar: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Sardar: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.
Sardar pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar 1:If you tell me what's there in my basket, I'll give you all the EGGS in it.
Sardar 2: (Thinking...)
Sardar 1:And if you tell me how many eggs are there, I'll give you all the 7 EGGS!!
Sardar 2: (Thinking...)
Sardar 1:And again if you tell me which bird's eggs these are, the HEN is also yours....
Sardar 2: Your questions are too tough...So give me a clue or hint???
Sardar 1:!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Bobby returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent."
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ??"
"No , that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father. "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar: Will u marry after I die
Wife : No I wiil live with my sister.
Wife : Will u marry , after I die .
Sardar: No I will also live with ur sister.
------------------------------------------------------------
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarji painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Banta Singh Married
------------------------------------------------------------
A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Banta Singh: "Yaar Santa, last year the name-plate outside your house read Santa Singh B.A. This year it read Santa Singh M.A., When did you finish yours Masters Degree?
Santa Singh: "You don't understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate Bachelor Again. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is Married Again.
------------------------------------------------------------

hjpotter92 said:

Nice joking. I died laughing see if this code works.

Code:

<div><embed src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fsmileys.smileycentral.com%252Fcat%252FF%252Ftransport.swf%253Fcode%253DF%252F1%252F437%2526partner%253DZSzeb110%255FZKYYYYYYYYIN/transport.swf" loop="false" quality="best" bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100" height="120" name="transport" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="*www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" wmode="transparent" flashvars="code=F/1/437&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN" /><br><a href="*www.smileycentral.com/?feat=prof&partner=ZSzeb110_ZKYYYYYYYYIN"><img src="*plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fak.imgfarm.com%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial2.gif/social2.gif" border="0" style="" /></a></div>

got it now

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The Smart Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a tight slap that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the **** out of her!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^lol...the whole family tasted

K

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra that on Alzheimer’s disease research, leading one to wonder: By the year 2035, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can’t remember what to do with them?

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^HAHAH lol!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

karmanya said:
In recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra that on Alzheimer’s disease research, leading one to wonder: By the year 2035, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can’t remember what to do with them?

Good one! Kinda dark humor

.

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

REAL INCIDENT -

ystday my school started and tday a new Physics teacher walked in. He started talking and introducing himself. He said "I know all of the many of you have the fear by the name of Physics. Physics not woory as it is the name of apple fElling on a ground"

J

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am ! I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh..... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.!
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you mini coopertin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

karmanya said:
In recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra that on Alzheimer’s disease research, leading one to wonder: By the year 2035, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can’t remember what to do with them?

this one deserves a space in my blog

P

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am ! I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh..... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.!
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you mini coopertin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

LOLLING hard

dumb ppl.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

sorry if repost ::

A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens
the door to find their next door neighbor, Bob. Before she can say a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking
for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Wrapping herself in
the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"

"It was Bob," she replied.

"Great!" her husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owed me?"

monkeys on top

Sorry if Re-Post

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys - All on different levels, some climbing up, some hanging from the bottom branches.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.

Source: All over internet

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In a village, the folks are sitting and narrating some tales. One old man starts flaunting. "Once my grand-father went for fishing. He caught such a big prawn that our whole village ate that prawn for fifteen days.

A boy gets up and says, this is nothing. "Once my grandfather went for fishing. He threw the net in and the fish that got stuck was so big that it pulled the net. My grandfather jumped into water and started searching for the net. When he was not able to find it even after searching for two days long, he removed a candle and lit it and started searching again...."

The old man objects saying "How can someone lite a candle in water."

The boy replies "You reduce the size of your prawn and I would lit off the candle"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^ good one

Sardarji’s Chinese kid

Sardarji got the fourth child.
He fills data in the birth certificate.

“Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese.”

chinese-b0y.jpg

“How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?”

” Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”

*www.jokesduniya.com/2206/sardarjis-chinese-kid/

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

praka123 said:
^ good one

Sardarji’s Chinese kid

Sardarji got the fourth child.
He fills data in the birth certificate.

“Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese.”

chinese-b0y.jpg

“How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?”

” Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”

*www.jokesduniya.com/2206/sardarjis-chinese-kid/

nice one

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow - but sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy - Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
I LOVE MY BIGGEST ENEMY

12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving, which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

Newton's laws of s/w engg.

First Law:
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails untill and unless he is assigned work by manager.

Second Law:
The rate of change in the software quality is directly proportional to the payment received from client and the deadline time, and it takes place at the quick rate as and when deadline force is applied.

Third Law:
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*img140.imageshack.us/img140/3476/ccva0.png

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

I think its about time this thread is stikified.

mods ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In a far away jungle, there is a pond. Just above the pond a fly is murmuring about.

A FISH is swimming in the pond. She thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, i can jump and eat it.

A BEAR is hiding near the pond. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, and i can grab the fish and eat it.

A HUNTER is also hiding behind a tree. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump and i can kill it with my gun.

A MOUSE is just hiding in a burrow of the tree where the hunter was standing. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump too, the hunter will fire his gun and due to the thrust the cheese in his pocket will fall and i will run and eat the cheese.

A CAT is also hiding somewhere nearby. She thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump too, the hunter will fire his gun and due to the thrust the cheese in his pocket will fall and the moment the rat comes out of the burrow to eat it, i will grab it and relish it.

After some seconds....

The fly comes down 2 centimeters, the fish jumps and eventually the bear jumps too, the hunter fires and due to the thrust the cheese falls from his pocket, the mouse runs and so does the cat....... But there something goes out of plan for the Cat... The cat slips and falls in to the pond and gets wet.

Moral of the story: It takes a long time to get a pussy wet.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A friend of mine received this message

Aankhen do aur do chaar hoti hai to dil milne ke baad ek kaise ho sakte hain. Reply fast

And this is what I asked my friend to reply and he did

Coz eyes believe in mathematical addition and hearts believe in logical addition

We replied once more

Coz eyes believe in addition and hearts believe in multiplication

And then once again

Coz eyes and hearts are multiplicative in nature. 2*2=4 and 1*1 =1

Long live logicians

Edit: I am getting crazy these days, I just found out one more reply

They are exponential. 2^2=4 and 1^1 =1

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

I R Horse

I eat loads of food and if you don't give me enough I will screw you
I am very obese
I don't let you ride me if you use imitation saddles on me
I need immunisation regularly since I am very sick and allergic to viruses, ring worms, etc
I want a good security guard to watch me all the time else I am doomed
I hate old eXPeriences

Guess who I am

PS: no prizes for guessing the right answer....

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^still ,the answer is M$haft Vi$ta :))

.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

praka123 said:
^still ,the answer is M$haft Vi$ta .

Congratulations, you won a trip to a remote village in transylvania for which you need to report in at 8:30AM sharp on September 31st at MS HQ in Namibia. If you come earlier or later or on a different date you will miss the trip.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Saw recently in RD..

On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone.
Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”

Bernie was invited to his friend Morris’s home for dinner. The host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, like Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
“That is really nice,” said Bernie. “After all these years of marriage, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris whispers back, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

Replies When A Girl Proposes a Boy :

1) Yes .

2) Yes .

3) Yes .

4) Yes .

5) Yes .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

32) Yes.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicseagull1.png

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

harryneopotter said:
32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

Replies When A Girl Proposes a Boy :

1) Yes .

2) Yes .

3) Yes .

4) Yes .

5) Yes .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

32) Yes.

sad but True

well my pesky little self-made joke-

"ek baar ek sardar ek antique chizo ke showroom mein jha kar bola 'kuch nayi chiz dikhao' "

^^

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Why married men love linux:

Man: Honey, make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Make one yourself.

Man: sudo make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Here it is dear.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

CNENNAI : A man in Kallikudi village in Madurai district lost a Boeing 747. Unbelievable! But the Tamil Nadu police did believe him and registered an FIR saying that the aircraft had disappeared. They put the value of the lost object at Rs 1,600.

FIRs such as these are straight from the report of Comptroller and Auditor General of India for 2005-06 which came up with gems such as these after scrutinising 67,672 crime records of Tamil Nadu.

There was also one about a missing bicycle that an FIR put as worth Rs 91,000 and one about a moped that apparently had a price tag of Rs 90 lakh and a motorcycle of Rs 11.10 lakh.

Then, there was a poor cowherd who filed a complaint (and the cops faithfully recorded an FIR) saying he had lost 15,000 buffaloes in one go.

When the CAG pulled up the Tamil Nadu police department, pointing to the fantastic crime recording, the department in its reply blamed the sorry state of affairs to the huge volume of work and cumbersome processes involved. "We've taken necessary steps to make corrections," it assured the CAG.

HEHEH -- > hehehe

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

कंप्यूटर लव स्टोरी
Computer Love Story

अभी अभी तो प्यार का पीसी किया है चालू
अपने दिल के हार्ड डिस्क पे और कितनी फाइल्स डालू
अपने चहरे से रुसवाई का एर्रोर तो हटाओ
ई जानेमन अपने दिल का पासवर्ड तो बताओ
वोह तो हम है जो आप की चाहत दिल में रखते है
वरना आप जैसे सोफ्त्वारेस तो बाज़ार में बिकते है
रोज़ रात आप मेरे सपने में आती हो
मेरे प्यार का माउस बना के उँगलियों पे नाचते हो
तेरे प्यार का ईमेल मेरे दिल को लुभाता है
पर बिच्च में तेरे बाप का वायरस आ जता है
और करवाओगे हमसे कितना इन्तेजार
हमारे दिल के साईट पे कभी इंटर तो मरो यार
अपने इन्सुल्ट का बदला देखो कैसे लूँगा
जानेमन तेरे बाप को शिफ्ट डिलीट कर दूँगा
आपके नखरे अपने दिल पे बंग हो गए
दो पीसी जुड़ते जुड़ते हंग हो गए
आप जैसे के लिया दिल को कट दिया करते है
वरना बाकी केसेस में तो कॉपी पेस्ट किया करते है
आपका हँसना आप का चलना आप की वोह स्टाइल
आपके अदाओं की हमने सेव है कर ली फाइल.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*img519.imageshack.us/img519/5017/10ekhvnhz7.jpg
*img519.imageshack.us/img519/5017/10ekhvnhz7.5bf4f623aa.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

MetalheadGautham said:
Why married men love linux:

Man: Honey, make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Make one yourself.

Man: sudo make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Here it is dear.

This one was on xkcd some time back.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

This just in:
*www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/travel.html

Just burst out laughing.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

abhi_10_20 said:
*img519.imageshack.us/img519/5017/10ekhvnhz7.jpg
*img519.imageshack.us/img519/5017/10ekhvnhz7.5bf4f623aa.jpg

shady_inc said:
This one was on xkcd some time back.

Yeah. Forgot the number.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*elliottback.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2006/09/sandwich.png

J

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

“The clock has performed an illegal operation, please restart the universe so time can begin again.”

~ System Error on Windows XP

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Vodafone to sell iPhone at 31k.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^nope, there are people who will buy it. There are some fanatics but then there are apple fanatics. None can go beyond that.

Re: English of Gujrat: Gujrati Bhai, don't mind

*us.f815.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=In a hotel in Ahmedabad:
It Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.
**
In a hotel lobby in Surat :
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
**
In the elevator( lift ) in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
**
In a hotel elevator in Baroda :
Please leave your values at the front desk.
**
In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
**
In a hotel near Gujarat College , Ahmedabad:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
**
Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
**
In a hotel in Bhavanagar:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
**
In a laundry in Anand:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
**
In a heritage hotel in Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

**
Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
**
In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
**
In the office of a Gynaecologist in Ahmedabad:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
**
In a hotel in Bharuch:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER!

Well, now......here' s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Ain't that cool..!..

Re: A confusing hoarding

*i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll15/amitabhishek/advt.jpg

A confusing hoarding...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ LOOOOL! I am waiting for the 'opening'.

amitabhishek said:
In a hotel near Gujarat College , Ahmedabad:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
**
Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
**
In a hotel in Bhavanagar:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
**
In a laundry in Anand:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
**
Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
**
In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
**
In the office of a Gynaecologist in Ahmedabad:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
**
In a hotel in Bharuch:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

*s269.photobucket.com/albums/jj44/visio159/Unismilies/17large.png

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s**t!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

your sig is fail

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

nice one

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Doctor-Patient

Doctor: Ab tabiyat kaisi hai?
Patient: Pehle se kharab hai.
Doctor: Maine dawaai di thi woh khaa li thi?
Patient: Nahi. Dawaai ki sheeshi to bhari huvi thi.
Doctor: mera matlab dawai ko pi liya tha?
Patient: Peeliya tu mujhe tha. Dawaai toh laal thi.
Doctor: Abey, dawaai ko peth mein dala tha
Patient: Nahi
Doctor : Kyun
Patient: Dhakkan bandh tha
Doctor: Toh dhakkan khola kyun nahi
Patient: Aapne dhakkan bandh rakhne ke liye kaha tha
Doctor : Main tera ilaaj nahi kar sakta.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Frankly speaking.... Stale stuff ^
But ur siggy is WOW.... simple, straight & real funny

Wonder who said it first?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

phreak0ut said:
^I was late by a minute to post that

How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program

by Dave Barry from his new book Dave Barry In Cyberspace

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope

that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

+-------++------------+
| YES || SURE |
+-------++------------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
or a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12

--Tamara Schomber, M.Ed., PSC
Watertown Elementary, Tennessee

Can't stop laughing...ROFL

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Finishing ur education is lyk delivering a baby. Evry1 appreciates the outcome but no1 knows the amt of tym u got f**kd in d proccess

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

krishnandu.sarkar said:
Finishing ur education is lyk delivering a baby. Evry1 appreciates the outcome but no1 knows the amt of tym u got f**kd in d proccess

loool

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

rohan_mhtr said:
Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

rohan_mhtr said:
Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

PWNED

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ lol......
The last one was real good.....

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Some good one liners I came across:
1. It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
2. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
3. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
4. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
5. People have the right to be stupid. You, my friend, abuse that privilege.
6. Never be afraid to try, remember. Amateurs built the Ark; professionals, the Titanic.
7. I have a memory of a gold fish....it only consists of 5 seconds......why am i typing about a fish????
8. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
9. Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
10. Opinions are like buttholes.........everyone's got one!
11. Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to have a small pɘn!s too. Then you, my friend, will be....THE MAN!
12. I knew I was a nut the day the squirrel started looking at me funny!!
13. Please God-If you cant make me thin make my friends fat!
14. When I get the urge to work, I just lay down until the feeling goes away!
15. Be nice to your kids.. they will choose your nursing home one day.
16. I used to have a handle on life, then, it broke.
17. LALALALALALALALA I am not listening! LALALALALALALALA!
18. This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!
( NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

)
19. Great cheese comes from happy cows
^The italics for those who r a lil low in HQ(humor quotient

)^

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

koolbluez said:
Frankly speaking.... Stale stuff ^
But ur siggy is WOW.... simple, straight & real funny
Wonder who said it first?

I did think this way since years but this line was not put by me. So frankly speaking, I thought it first and someone else said it first.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

@kollbluez

Really nice ones....

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^
nice...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

nice

Re: How to Shower

> How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according
> to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> If you see husband
> along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to
> do more sit-ups
>
> 4.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long
> loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced with
> natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15
> minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub for 10 minutes
> until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash.
>
>
> 1. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
> 12. Turn off shower.
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray mold spots with
> Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a small country.
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up
> any exposed areas.
>
>
>
> AND NOW
>
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them
> in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake
> wien$r at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and
> scratch your a$$.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face
>
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and
> laugh at how loud they
> sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the
> soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk..
>
> 13. Pee.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
> floor because curtain
> was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wien$r size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
> waist. If you pass
> wife, pull off towel, shake wien$r at her and make
> the 'woo-woo' sound
> again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on bed

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

BILL GATES organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says..."kem chho?"

The other candidate answers..."Choop bes gadhedaa..."

Re: How to Shower

amitabhishek said:
> How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according
> to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> If you see husband
> along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to
> do more sit-ups
>
> 4.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long
> loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced with
> natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15
> minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub for 10 minutes
> until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash.
>
>
> 1. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
> 12. Turn off shower.
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray mold spots with
> Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a small country.
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up
> any exposed areas.
>
>
>
> AND NOW
>
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them
> in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake
> wien$r at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and
> scratch your a$$.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face
>
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and
> laugh at how loud they
> sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the
> soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk..
>
> 13. Pee.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
> floor because curtain
> was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wien$r size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
> waist. If you pass
> wife, pull off towel, shake wien$r at her and make
> the 'woo-woo' sound
> again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on bed

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kalpik said:
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

*i89.photobucket.com/albums/k232/kenalovell/smileys/Laughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif *i89.photobucket.com/albums/k232/kenalovell/smileys/Laughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif

That was too good!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kalpik said:
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

ROFL... and also thanks... for the tip :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:lol:

Great joke

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^Great Joke!!! So..so real...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kalpik said:
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

That was awesome.

Linux terminal

Got this email from somewhere, and its FUNNY:

Sex: { look; find; talk; grep; touch; finger; find; flex; unzip;
mount; workbone; fsck; yes; gasp; fsck; yes; eject; umount; makeclean;
zip; split; done; exit }

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol

Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an
illegal abortion.”

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

S

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^^^

Awesome!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

@t159

awesome ... have read it before ...but stil Rofled .....

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

You all may no that "You cannot make a folder named 'CON' at Windows".

Now try these 2 tricks

# 1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type 'Bush hid the facts' (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? Confused?

#Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER . Make sure you typed it exactly the same way.
Enjoy....

C

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^
Nice joke.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

ITTechPerson said:
You all may no that "You cannot make a folder named 'CON' at Windows".

Now try these 2 tricks

# 1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type 'Bush hid the facts' (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? Confused?

#Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER . Make sure you typed it exactly the same way.
Enjoy....

!@#$%*#@

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BYGETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THETOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELFAND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILLPREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVEAND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT ANELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FORANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Absolutely Funny Online Names and its not a joke.

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear.. and be misread. these are NOT made up. Check them out yourself !

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^ ^ ^ LOL!!!! :lol:

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*i43.tinypic.com/2ecgj0l.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Lolies. :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

2+2 कितना होता है?
इंजीनियर का जवाब 4
डॉक्टर का जवाब लगभग 4
जज साहब का जवाब 4 होना चाहिए
नेताजी बोले हम इसे 4 बनाकर दिखाएंगे

सवाल पर सवाल पूछा- सत्यम ऑडिटर्स ने
बताइये, आपको कितना चाहिए

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

microsoft is planning to manufacture the windows for house rather they cannot build anymore windows for the computer ,, as they invent the windows for computer the bugs are severe so they planned with the same name "WINDOWS" for home -----> better they manufacture this window without bugs !!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kalpik said:
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

AWESOME!!!!

T

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"So, Which Platform are you Working on ???"

Injured Thumb

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

'Goddammit,' said the man, 'get your damn thumb out of my food!'

'Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.'

'Why don't you just shove it up your a$$?' the man said angrily.

'That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen.'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Nice to see the thread still alive.

@mods: make this a sticky ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A crash course for pigions now selling

*3.bp.blogspot.com/_EAKPB1H1wB0/SYiO8cqTrsI/AAAAAAAABA4/3QrShFnFmE8/s400/PIGEON1.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Clean house 2002. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch Turbo Strop Plus and Whinge Pro. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Is it true that my only recourse may be to re partition my hard drive with Divorce Magic Pro and Lawyer Fund Management 6.0?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

krishnandu.sarkar said:
Finishing ur education is lyk delivering a baby. Evry1 appreciates the outcome but no1 knows the amt of tym u got f**kd in d proccess

As long as getting f**ked by education is fun :lol:

N

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

what is the biggest pressure ...
on a pakistan captain when their team needs only 1 run to win in 5 overs and 10 wickets in hand????
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Ya allah!!
jeetne ke baad angrezi bolni padegi!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
:))

4 PRINCIPLES OF STUDENT LIFE

- luv your bed.. its your temple

- Relax in the day..... so that you can sleep at night

- dont do something tomorrow that you can do the day after tomorrow

- If you feel like studying ..................
........................
... sit down....... wait............
till the feelin goes away

PS: follow these principles at your own risk :))

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:arrow:

Student: Will I get punishment for what I have not done.
Teacher: Of course not
Student: I have not done the homework

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:arrow:

Santa: What is meant by AUTOMATICALLY
Banta: It means AUTO - ME -TAKLI(Bald girl on an auto)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:arrow:

Person A: What do you call a person with one hair
Person B: Iqbal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Teacher to class: A for?
Class: Apple
Teacher: Jor Se Bolo
Class: Jai Mata Di

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kin.vachhani said:
Teacher to class: A for?
Class: Apple
Teacher: Jor Se Bolo
Class: Jai Mata Di

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

2 NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent..

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol really nice one...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^^ +1.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

New Rules for all the Exams (based On I.P.L.)

(1). Exam Time reduced to 1 hour and total marks to 50.
(2). Strategic breaks after 30 mins. :smile:

(3). Free hit option available to students where they can frame their own questions and answer them.
(4). 1st 15 minutes POWER PLAY no invigilation in the room. :razz:

(5). Un-Fair play awards are introduced.. :lol:

(6). Any wrong question results in free hit. for details refer (3) above

(7). Cheer girls come in for every correct answer.... ;-)

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Interviewer: What brought you here ?
Applicant: The 10 o'clock train brought me here.

----

Teacher: What is your name ?
Student: mera naam sunder laal chadda hai (मेरा नाम सुंदरलाल चड्डा है)
Teacher: Answer in English
Student: My Name is Beautiful Red Underwear

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^ :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
New Rules for all the Exams (based On I.P.L.)

(1). Exam Time reduced to 1 hour and total marks to 50.
(2). Strategic breaks after 30 mins.
(3). Free hit option available to students where they can frame their own questions and answer them.
(4). 1st 15 minutes POWER PLAY no invigilation in the room.
(5). Un-Fair play awards are introduced..
(6). Any wrong question results in free hit. for details refer (3) above

(7). Cheer girls come in for every correct answer....

LOL!

The Unknown said:
Teacher: What is your name ?
Student: mera naam sunder laal chadda hai (मेरा नाम सुंदरलाल चड्डा है)
Teacher: Answer in English
Student: My Name is Beautiful Red Underwear

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

The best!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Conversation between father and son...

Son: Dad, I've saved 10 rupees by running behind the bus insted of taking the bus..

dad gets angry and slaps the boy... the boy's mother approaches and asks...
"Why did you slapped the boy?"

Dad: If he ran behind the taxi insted of taking it he would have saved 100 rupees.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dumb head approaches his friend and said...

Dumbhead: I have a girl friend now...

Friend: How are you feeling now?

Dumbhead: I'm happier than ever in my life.

Friend: Invite her to your house when there is no one in your house. you will be more happy.

Dumbhead invited her girfriend to her house when there is no one in his house...

really there was no one in the house...

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

vamsikrishna919 said:
really there was no one in the house...

Lol! thats why he is dumbhead i got the meaning! :grin:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Got it on E-mail...... FOCL

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lool!! :lol:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Received these things in E-mail...

The FBI was hiring for a high position and after basic training they had three people left, two men and a woman. They asked the first man to come to HQ and told him,"Your wife is in the next room, we need you to take this gun and shoot her". He wouldn't do it so they sent him home. They asked the next man the same thing but he said he couldn't do it so they sent him home. Then the woman came and they gave her a gun and told her that her husband was in the next room and needed to be shot. She went in and there were clicking noises then crashing noises in the room. She came out and said,"The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to kill him with the chair".

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

MetalheadGautham said:
Since people often post jokes here, in seperate threads, I decided to start a thread exclusively for jokes. You may start posting all your jokes right here. It needn't even be textual. It can also be an image or a video.

Happy Joking

Cool stuff goin on.......

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Intresting!!!!
Politically Correct Jokes

1
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
Attack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

2
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great
bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in Americanow?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

3
Vajpayee(ex Indian Prime Minister) and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The barman says 'Yep, that's them...' So the guy walks

over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14

million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis!'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
4

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

5
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the
dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a
hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lol

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

vamsikrishna919 said:
Got it on E-mail...... FOCL

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Read this one somewhere
Don't Know Where!!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

Shiney Ahuja Jokes

Q: Why maids are scared to clean the utensils?
A: They are scared of it becoming too Shiney

What does Shiney like to ride the most?
Bai-cycle

Which song did Shiney sing with N'Sync
Bai Bai Bai

What is Shiney's fav bedroom line?
Am a Good Boy. You be a GOOD BAI!

What is Shiney's sexual orientation?
He is Bai-Sexual

\Who is Shiney's fav football player
'Bai'chung Bhutia

Here are a couple of good ones which use 'Maid' in place on 'Bai':
What's Shiney Ahuja's favorite song?
Maid in India

What kind of food does Shiney like
Home Maid

Now, for a couple of non-Bai/non-Maid ones:
Why did Shiney hang out with Snoop Dog??
To make rape music

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

lmao

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

Hey this was there in my School magazine! :shock:

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^Great one Aspire.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

New Motivational commandments

The Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/wait/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr.Prime Minister, please answer this question: your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says,"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington,decides he'd better put Condoleeza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister.Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can
come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls ColinPowell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who
is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House,
finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know
who it is!

It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan
Singh!"

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT

Sardar gives up.

SCROLL DOWN.......

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Think twice before you laugh at a Sardar again

On behalf of,
Manmohan Singh, PM, India.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
New Motivational commandments

The Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/wait/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

This is Joke sharing thread

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Mr.Digital said:
Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT

Sardar gives up.

SCROLL DOWN.......

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Think twice before you laugh at a Sardar again

On behalf of,
Manmohan Singh, PM, India.

Nice one dude.......
The sardars owe u one.

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

ichi said:
God and bill gates
Sunday School
There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep.
One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, Who made the world?
The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD!
Thats correct!,The teacher said.

The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, Who died on the cross? The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS!
Thats correct!! The teacher said again.

The girl fell asleep again. After a while........
The teacher asked,What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted,
IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!

Nice one

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
An anthropologist studying cannibals goes into a
store for heart (to eat). On the shelf she sees a jar
of physicists' brains for $1, a jar of janitors' heart
for $1, a jar of musicians' heart for $1, a jar of
doctors' heart for $1 and a jar of economists' heart
for $25. She goes to the manager and asks "why are the
economists' heart so expensive?"

The reply comes, "Do you know how many economists you have to kill to get a jar of heart?"

This one is edited............
It was a Sardar whos brain cost the maximum.

NO OFFENCES MEANT!!

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

ray|raven said:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

"WHERE AM I?"

in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window. Their sign said:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

Don't people get tired of Bill gate's Jokes?

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

ancientrites said:
"Abu Abed and "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " After a long journey abroad, Abu Abed returned home to find his wife Em Abed pregnant.
Abu Abed : Can you explain to me how you can be pregnant if I was away for a year...?
Em Abed : You want the truth, during your absence I use to watch Georges Kerdahi TV show "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " and one night I had no choice and I had to call a friend and ask for his help....
Abu Abed : You called a friend and asked him for a help... Well I am really grateful to you and must thank you... Thanks God you did not ask for the audience help....!

"Abu Abed With The President G.W.BUSH in a Helicopter" Abu Abed was once with the president on a trip in a helicopter ...
The president asked him : If I threw 10 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : A poor citizen will find it and he will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw 100 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : Few poor citizen will find it and they will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw myself what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : one citizen will find you and all the citizen of the country will be happy about it...

"Abu Abed on the Wedding Night Abu Abed just got married. He spent all the wedding night kissing his bride on again.
His bride got fed up and asked him : Don't you want anything from down ?
Abu Abed : Oh yes, please ! can you get me a pack of cigarette and one can of coke from the grocery downstairs !!

"Abu Abed and Em Abed at The Cinema"
Abu Abed took his wife Em Abed to see a movie at in Cinema. Few minutes after they have switched the light off, Abu Abed asked Em Abed : Anyone behind us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone in front of us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone on our side?
Em Abed : No.. Nobody, we are alone in the cinema
Abu Abed :If this is the case, It means that it is you who farted ...!

"Abu Abed and the Short Skirt Girl" Abu Abed was sitting outside the coffee shop when a young girl wearing a short skirt passed by... Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Respect...
The girl heard him and lifted her skirt a little bit up..
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Manners
The girl lifted her skirt all the way up.
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Objections.. !

BTW who is Abu Abed?

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

krazzy said:
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, not matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probable damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

> >An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
> >months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
> >pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> >Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
> >this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
> >call.
> >Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
> >distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> >suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
> >He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl
> >and tells
> >them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
> >can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
> >charge.
> >I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
> >life.
> >Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
> >townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
> >If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> >$4,000,000 bank account.
> >If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
> >However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
> >
> >At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
> >firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
> >
> >
> > "You shag her again."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
He left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the sexy new chick.

She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and had passionate intercourse.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
Time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not with me."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.

To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, and apparently he had the time of his life."

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

koolbluez said:
One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

karmanya said:
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you masturbate?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?

Patient: No.

Doctor: To phir khada karke kya calender taangega?

===============================================

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

'What's that?' he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'

'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified, 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'

'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

'Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?'

'I'm in love,' replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, 'With whom?'

'With you!' he said.

'But Little Johnny,' said the teacher gently, 'don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.'

'Oh, don't worry,' said Little Johnny reassuringly, 'I'll use a c0ndom!'

======================================================

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

'Honey,' he said when he got home, 'I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me.'

His wife scowled at him and said, 'Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

LOL!

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'

^^
Understood it?

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing!'

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Santa Singh, woke up after the annual office Diwali bash party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some breakfast in front of him.

'Jaswinder' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an *******,' Santa Singh said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did,' came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said Santa Singh.

'I did. You're back at work on Monday.'

--------------------------------------------------------
anta Singh is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The girl realises he is staring and asks, 'Are you looking at my pussy?'

'Yes, I'm sorry,' says Santa and promises to avert his eyes.

'It's quite alright,' replies the woman, 'It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.'

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Santa, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Santa stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Santa moves over.

The woman is now visibly horny and asks Santa, 'Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?'

Stunned, Santa replies, 'What! Can it whistle, too?'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

surinder said:
Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

1 of your self made jokes?

Since when is doing susu on road fun?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Bush : tujhe swimming aati hai?
Lalu : no
Bush : tere se to kutta achha hai swim to kar leta hai
Lalu : tujhe aati hai
Bush : ya
Lalu : to phir tere or kutte mein farak kya hai?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Aspire said:
1 of your self made jokes?

Since when is doing susu on road fun?

Ask Prianka or may be yourself. ;-)

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

surinder said:
Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

VERY DIRTY JOKE follows
....

2 sardar ek ladki ko dekh rahe the.Pehla Sardar ladki ko dekh ke bola
Sardar 1:Arey behen****!!! Kya moti b00bs hai be iske!!Oh my God!!
Sardar 2:Arey mote b00bs se yaad aya, bhabhi ji kaisi hai?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Q. Why Santa is standing below the Tube light with an open mouth.
A: Because Doctor has advised him: "Aaj Light Khana Hai! "

Teacher: What is the largest production of India?
Student: Indians

2 fools sat in a double decker bus for the first time.
1 went to the uper deck and the other remained below.
After sometime, the above one came running down.
The below one asked, "Why"?
The other one replied, "There is no driver above";

Father: My son has swallowed a key
Doctor: When ?
Father: 3 months back
Doctor: But why didn't you come before ?
Father: Till now I had been using duplicate key

Q: Y do fools always smile during lightning storm ?
A: They think their picture is being taken!

Teacher: "Talk to me in English"
Boy: Ok mam
Teacher: What's your name?
Boy: Revolutionary Government
Teacher: Are you joking?
Boy: No, my name is Biplob Sarkar

Rahul: Dad, you will soon become a rich man.
Father: How?
Rahul: Tomorrow my teacher will teach how to convert paise into rupees.

Teacher: Hey Amit, can you give an example of expansion of heat?
Amit: Sir, in winters, we have only 15 days break while in summer, the holidays expand by 2 months.

John: I have found something which will enable people to see through the wall.
Sam: That's wonderful. What are you going to call it ?
John: Windows

Raju: Who invented the steam engine ?
Shyam: What ?
Raju: That's right!

Parent: Is my son outstanding?
Teacher: Yeah of course! He always stands out!

Once a constable came running back to his local poilice station.
Constable: Sir, I couldn't catch the criminal but I have kept his finger prints.
Inspector: Where are they?
Constable; On my cheek, sir!

Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola.... "Menu koi farak nahi penda....Penhle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha....ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon".

Natwarlal 2 his friend: Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hain ?
Friend: Goal karne ke liye.
Natwarlal: Ball to pehle se gol hai aur kitna gol karenge

A fool reads a board
"Liknewala Brilliant Padhnewala Idiot"
Angry fool rubs the board and writes
"Padhewala brilliant liknewala idiot"

Bhola Interview dene jata hai
Boss: Aap salary kitni chahete hai?
Bhola: 1 Lac
boss: 5 lac denge
Bhola: Kyun mazak karte hain ?
Boss: Shutuwat kisne ki ?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

surinder said:
Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

LOL!!!!!!!!!! :-D

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Once santa was going through a forest. He saw a snake hanging on a tree.
Santa advised him : Sirf latakne se height nahi baregi mummy ko bolo complan pilaye.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Two friends got 3 live bombs on a road... They hurried towards the police station carrying them....

Friend1: What if one of the bomb blasts on the way?
Friend2: We will tell the police that we got only two bombs!!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

surinder said:
Once santa was going through a forest. He saw a snake hanging on a tree.
Santa advised him : Sirf latakne se height nahi baregi mummy ko bolo complan pilaye.

n1 to ur made jokess.....

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
--For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
--Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
--Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
--Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
--Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
--The airbag system would say "Are you sure? Y/N" before going off.
--Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
--GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
--Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
--You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: 'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'
'You must be a computer engineer says the balloonist.
'yes' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'
The man below says, 'You must work in management.'
'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well, ' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. And now you're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault that you are lost.'

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Amazing signs :

In a maternity ward: "No children allowed."

At a US military base: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs"

In a New Delhi restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impossible."

On a hotel massage board: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
Rita May Brown.

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."
Isaac Asimov.

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."
Leonard Brandwein.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie.

"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again."
Al Goodman.

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."
Eric Porterfield.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Sardar ji jokes :

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, GIVE ME A BREAK, BUY A DAMN LOTTERY TICKET".

A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head.
Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time, but sardarji soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.
He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "Jallian Wala Bagh".

One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.

The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here ?" Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi?

Sardarji replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
His wife asked " What's the matter?"
Sardar ji Replied "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Here are few more :

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."

Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"?
Santa: "But you're too damn good".
Gary: "I'll play left handed".
Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves .......
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe bewakoof ........ Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You stupid, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed)

Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".

Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri.
Banta: Wow Santa, What a car!Where did you get it from ?
Santa: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this car and asked me - "want a ride Mr. Singh ?" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything"
Banta is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"
Santa: I took the car.
Banta: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

*www.angelfire.com/space/arun/images/funny/longsuicide.jpg
Longest suicide.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Dressed to kill

*www.angelfire.com/space/arun/images/funny/wallis_1.jpg

*www.angelfire.com/space/arun/images/funny/wallis_3.jpg

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

nish_higher said:
Evolution Of Man And Television--

*img233.imageshack.us/img233/5574/9309a6d6b26b7c9d1d454ceom4.jpg

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

surinder said:
Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Good one…. J

~
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.

“Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
“Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”.
“Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.”

St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the keys. Get going!”

He then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!”

Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, “Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Ubaldo explains, “I just saw my wife driving a Nano”

A

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Mr.Digital said:
Good one…. J

~
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.

“Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
“Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”.
“Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.”

St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the keys. Get going!”

He then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!”

Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, “Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Ubaldo explains, “I just saw my wife driving a Nano”

Nice one

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Did You Ever Wonder.....
*If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

*Is it ok to use the AM radio after noon?

*What do you call a male lady bug?

*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.

*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

*Why you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

*Why there are floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

M

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Patel is a Gujju-bhai.
Patel was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know
everyone there is to know... Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them.'
Tired of his
boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I
are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Patel and his boss
fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise
shouts, 'Patel! Great to see
you!'

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although
impressed, Patel's boss is
still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he
thinks Patel's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name
anyone else, Patel says.

'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yes,' Patel says,
'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At
the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, 'Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House
grounds, he expresses his doubts to Patel who again implores him to name
anyone else..

'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Patel.
'My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.'

So off they fly to Rome... Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican
Square when Patel says,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later
Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Patel returns, he
finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, 'What
happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said,
who's that on the balcony with Patel ?_,_._,___

I

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Thread Finally Stuck. And disclaimer added. (This is the LAST thread I would visit with my parents

).

Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

:lol:

This is not a joke but a funny incident happened in my house because of my 6year old cousin.

Few days ago my cousin came lolling....

I asked him, what's the matter,

He said, i have a question for you..

I asked, what is that...

My parents were a few feet away from me. They started to listen very carefully, as he was a brilliant child..

He asked, "What is the thing that will be front for a women and back for a cow"..

I got the answer as my friend asked me this question one day. But my parents....., as they know the secondary meaning lurking inside it. They started to stare at the kid. After a while, my father said "We don't know. what is it?"

he replied "W" and started to pwn us..

I took him to my room and asked-"Who told you this joke"

He replied-"My teacher"

I wondered, does the teacher really knew the depth of this joke..! god knows!

C

A beautiful woman sits down at a bar and she asks the tender to see the manager, (impossible) says the bartender. She says (please, it's really important), (no again says the bartender, the manager is far too busy). well then the woman starts getting real flirty with the bartender, she starts to pet him (pretty please) she says, she even started putting her fingers on his lips and in his mouth and petted more on his face. Still the bartender wouldn't get the manager, but he said to the woman, (tell me what you want and I'll go tell the manager. So she says OK, ( I just wanted to tell him I was in the restroom and he's totally out of toilet paper, no hand soap and no paper towels.

MetalheadGautham said:
Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

IN PAKISTAN:
60 thieves(terrorists) break in and release all other captured thieves(terrorists)... :lol:

MetalheadGautham said:
Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

Old one. I think i had posted this somewhere in this forum.

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."

Speech? at the deaf society
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland *******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...."

^ ^ ^
LOL! :lol:

A girl is standing in a crowded bus when someone touches her backside with the stick. She turns around to find an old man and asks "babaji you gave a missed call?" to which he says "don't accuse me of that i'm out of balance"

M

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died.. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

M

Liverpool_fan said:
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

This JOKE was already posted.
Why to re post it????????????

^ ^ ^
Sorry didn't know that was already posted. Got it from a friend. Small world, eh?

Old Clinton Joke:

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

What is the difference between Satisfaction and Frustration is only one article.
What "a" f@#$k and What "the" F#%$#k!

Lol its 300th post..so a stupid joke.
A beggar asks a guy to give him something...
The guy gives him a push

Lol loved the pj

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A

Ecstasy said:
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Read that earlier in this thread. :wink:

C

If you are feeling down, don't worry, I will be there to feel you up.

M

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

M

^^lol

R

^^Epic lol.although the description was kinda too long

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

A

Mr.Digital said:
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

Nice Double Meaning Joke :razz:

M

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" ****?"

M

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

M

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

M

Let Experts do their Work

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

Japanese Prime Minister English skills

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president
Bill Clinton...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say
'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u?' (instead of 'How r u?'. )

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

Moral of the Story:

Let Experts do their Work

A

Mr.Digital said:
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" ****?"

It went down :shock:

A

Mr.Digital said:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Whats the age of johnny?

M

Krazzy Warrior said:
Whats the age of johnny?

He is in 5th standard.......so may be around 12 yrs. :-D

4 friends meet at a bar for drinks.

After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.

The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

Moral: Be careful to whom you brag.

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

PATNIism
You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

R

^nice

...(wtf 10 characters

)

A

ratedrsuperstar said:
^nice ...(wtf 10 characters )

Thats because of the trolling which goes on in the Chit Chat Section :shock:

and me

Please vote for Mard-e-pakistan & Mohtorma-e-pakistan teeter [aka Mr &Ms pakistan on twitter]

Please vote for the following contestants

Mohtorma-e-bakistan al Teeter

@lalbrofessor

*a3.twimg.com/profile_images/362317729/twitterProfilePhoto.jpg

*tweeterwall.mallplace.com/tw/pakistan/ms-twitter

Mard-e-bakistan al Teeter

@napaki

*a1.twimg.com/profile_images/364132622/Goat_rect.jpg

*tweeterwall.mallplace.com/tw/pakistan/mr-twitter

Do make you votes count - Please vote

Also some interesting tweeters that you shoud consider following

*twitter.com/nayakuddin

*twitter.com/lalbrofessor

*twitter.com/Abdulsaleemgad
*twitter.com/Al_Okullah
*twitter.com/inekuddin

Digit is a well maintained forum!
:))

^Awesome!

Code:

:D
:D:D
:D:D:D
:D:D:D:D
:D:D:D:D:D               :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
:D:D:D:D:D:D            :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
:D:D:D:D:D               :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
:D:D:D:D
:D:D:D
:D:D
:D

*Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.

*Instead of saying, “We are under attack, please take shelter,” citizens are now told, “Here we go again, you know the drill.”

*Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.

*Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.

*Yesterday’s lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was “NBA Lockout Continues.”

*Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid sirens, the Iraqis do the “Tomahawk Chop.”

*Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching parties all over Baghdad.

*Baghdad High’s senior class has playfully painted a bull’s-eye on the roof of the school.

*Iraqi Television Network preempts Hussein’s speech to show “Baywatch.”

*Maps of Baghdad being divided into numbered grids and sold on street corners to play “Cruise Missile Bingo.”

*Baghdad weather girls point to the map and say, “Scattered B-52 bombings and cruise missile strikes tonight through the early morning, with light rocket attacks tomorrow, clearing off by noon.”

*”We could be killed by a bomb any second” no longer an effective pickup line in Iraqi bars.

*Every Iraqi citizen has been issued a catcher’s mitt.

*Students anxiously listen to the radio each morning to listen for school closings.

*Even the ever-hilarious, “Sorry, that was me–must’ve been those BEANS I ate!” jokes are wearing thin.

*Gag gift sales soar with the release of the new “Magnetic Hat.”

Santa: Yaar me ne shadi ki ek ladki se, lekin pehli raath me hi talaaq mar diya us sali ko.

Banta: Yaar kya hua ?

Santa: Raath ko gaya uske paas aur uske Bra/Panties ke upar kabel dekha, "Tested OK by: Chennabasappa & Sons, Davengere".

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

In the meantime, everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was ready for him, and quickly pulled him over. After stopping the driver, the officer read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0%.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A

^Nice one

*img22.imageshack.us/img22/9714/sbi.png*www.thinkdigit.com/forum/%5BURL=*img22.imageshack.us/i/sbi.png/%5D%5BIMG%5Dhttp://img22.imageshack.us/img22/9714/sbi.th.png%5B/IMG%5D%5B/URL%5D*img132.imageshack.us/g/sbid.png/

^^OMG!!! Is it for real?

Lol @ English version! :lol:

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
" I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child.What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, " Well, let me tell you astory. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun ".

The doctor continued, " So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him ."

That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion.

" Exactly" Said the Doc

^^

ZOMG!!OMG!! Man Thats really awesome..... :twisted:

rajkumar_pb said:
^^

ZOMG!!OMG!! Man Thats really awesome.....

Either you have been living in a cave or you not into jokes; this is such an old joke

.

RaghuKL said:
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
" I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child.What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, " Well, let me tell you astory. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun ".

The doctor continued, " So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him ."

That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion.

" Exactly" Said the Doc

LOL!!

-----------------------------------------
Posted again:
-----------------------------------------

amitabhishek said:
*img22.imageshack.us/img22/9714/sbi.png*www.thinkdigit.com/forum/%5BURL=*img22.imageshack.us/i/sbi.png/%5D%5BIMG%5Dhttp://img22.imageshack.us/img22/9714/sbi.th.png%5B/IMG%5D%5B/URL%5D*img132.imageshack.us/g/sbid.png/

WTF!!

^^ hey..people dont make fun of my city...

we've been making jokes abt " Chutia" since we were kids

would have posted this before.. didnt really come to my mind that it was worth posting

@amitabhishek

where did u get this pic from... r u from ranchi?

^^ lol! u are from this city..quite lucky and nice bank there :lol:

amitabhishek said:
Either you have been living in a cave or you not into jokes; this is such an old joke .

So does that mean i will not post so or laugh at it.

Krazzy Warrior said:
^^ lol! u are from this city..quite lucky and nice bank there

ya im from ranchi... "Chutia" is a locality like 8 kms from my house

at ch00tia

Aapka to chutiya kat gaya!

^^ LOL! ROFL!!

OMFG!!! @SBI

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"

RaghuKL said:
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"

WTF man damn ****!

Some philosophy:
a son asks his father,
"how was i born"
father says"tu chutia hai."
son says(thinkin its ok to swear)"ve mader****, gaali mat bol!"
Father says,
"to bhen****, tu mere L*** se nikla kya!"
:razz:

M

Chuck Norris doesn't believes in GOD :neutral:

GOD Believes in Chuck Norris :bananana:

ssk_the_gr8 said:
@amitabhishek

where did u get this pic from... r u from ranchi?

It was an email fwd. all of us in office almost died laughing. Does ICICI have a branch there...ROFL!!!

rajkumar_pb said:
So does that mean i will not post so or laugh at it.

Relax dude....I wasn't poking fun at you....

amitabhishek said:
Relax dude....I wasn't poking fun at you....

Never mind that... I am cool... :grin:

amitabhishek said:
It was an email fwd. all of us in office almost died laughing. Does ICICI have a branch there...ROFL!!!

do u work for icici

A friend of mine , made me a Jack ass !!

Here is the conversation

Me : w r u working da ??
Friend : in TCS
me : which post
Friend : financial analyst !
Me : u did only Mcom got the job easily , i did MCA (still dint get the good job )
Friend : they saw talent in me so i got the job !!
Me : my bad luck

then one week after talking about my TCS friend with another friend !

Me : hey , did u see Mr.XXX got job in TCS !!
2Friend : yes , da
Me : how is possible da , u r engineering & me MCA , still we dint get job in TCS - how he got ??
2Friend : Which TCS r u talking ??
Me : TATA CONSULTANCY SERVICES !!
2Friend : u idiot , he is working in ( THE CHENNAI SILKS also called as TCS )
Me : Hrrghh grrrrgh grrrgh :banghead:

Many people would have read this joke...

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Another one.....

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an aish-hole when you're drunk."

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More coming.

^^Nice

*img341.imageshack.us/img341/432/bmwl.png

@tkin
LOL..excellent one!!!

@amitabhishek
Nice one.... :grin:

At the BMW ads:
OMG!!!! Brilliant , seriosulY!!!!

Hahahahaha

Fancy Tea in Kerala?

*img130.imageshack.us/img130/5613/teaf.png

"I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric the 11 year old lad next door whose bedroom looks like mission control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away I called after him and asked what was wrong.
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error".
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired , "An ID ten T error? What's that?....in case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned,"Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No" I replied
"Write it down" he said, "and I think you'll figure it out!"

So I wrote down....

ID10T

I used to like Eric.....the little b*****d!"

Reopened. To take jokes and all other text-based humour out of the Offtopic Discussion Thread.

Why do lions eat raw meat??

B'coz they cant cook.

:rofl: